I Want to Feel All My Emotions & Not Just the Happy Ones

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“You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.” – Theodore Finch, All The Bright Places

It’s great to be positive, it’s great to be happy and it’s great to smile. But it’s ludicrous to expect someone to be like this 24/7. We are human beings and we experience the full spectrum of emotions. Joy, contentment, elation, happiness, sadness, anxiety, confusion, grief, frustration, anger… and depression. These are all acceptable emotions.

I cannot be a positive, rainbow-spewing, energiser bunny every minute of my waking life. That’s not me. That’s not even a human being. If I want to cry, I will cry. Even if it means crying under my desk at work during my break, crying in front of 200 people at a comedy gala, crying in front of my friends, crying on public transportation and crying myself to sleep.

robin-crying-drunk-under-desk

But people don’t always like that. They want to see you be happy all the time. They don’t want to be inconvenienced by your “negative” emotions. They want to run away. They want to ignore it. Even if they are the direct result of your unhappiness. It is as if we have created a different kind of robot called a “happiness robot” that only comes with one feature: non-stop happiness. We are expected to be this kind of robot all the time.

Dear people, we are not in heaven. This world is not heaven. This world can be toxic, greedy, envious, hurtful, damaging, violent and traumatising. Why should I turn the other cheek and pretend that this doesn’t happen? Why should I pretend that this life is perfect? Why can you just not let me be human? Why can you not accept me as the human being I am?

I want to be angry when I see my rights being violated, I will be hurt when you hurt me, I will be sad when you upset me, I will be a number of things because of this world and its people. Happiness isn’t always a choice when we have a heart. The heart feels whether you like it or not.

I can be happy when I actually feel happy. I can be sad if I feel sad. I can feel however I feel.

Desolate and bereft
In the eternal abyss
Sweating and searching
You finally unearth
The little sticks of fire

The match is struck
The glimmer of light
The spark of life
You breathe once again

Moths to the flames
Your little pockets of fire
Unexpected winds
From all directions
Extinguished all at once
Your little pockets of fire

And so you dig again
In despair and desire
For your little sticks of fire
To unearth again
Your little pockets of fire
To return again
To breathe again

Sophski out.

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30 Comments

  2. Very poignant poem, must say very well penned. Loved this stick of fire metaphor, and fathom how this momentary fire burn ablaze and extinguishes itself eventually.
    this spark can be used to light the candle, and spread light among others.
    And you must gather strength coz you are a beautiful soul and as it’s willed you will God willing nourishes goodness everywhere. 😊😊So yep smile.

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    1. Thank you, Aquib, that means so much coming from a master poet such as yourself. I’m loving the idea of lighting the candle, there’s a continuity and growth there giving it stronger roots.
      You’re too kind, I really appreciate it. ❤️ Always good wishes for you. 🤗

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  3. I love your point honestly you really can’t always think positively. I love how you said ”I cannot be a positive, rainbow-spewing, energiser bunny every minute of my waking life.” It made me laugh! 😂😂😂:) 🙂 🙂

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  6. Perpetual happiness is in the same category as perpetual motion and free energy. Part of my personal philosophy is that it’s not healthy to suppress the so called “negative emotions “. To do so only makes them grow and delays closure.

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  7. When I was reading this post, it was like you read my mind. Being in Bangladesh, I’m meeting many, many relatives who I didn’t know existed. And they all seem to have opinions about me. Ignoring the unwelcome ones about my weight (I’m far too skinny to be pretty), they keep saying I’m sullen and sickly and that I should be happy because my being sad makes THEM sad. This particular comment I get ALL THE TIME and it’s SO annoying because I shouldn’t have to put on a happy mask (which takes a lot of energy) for other people, right? I can be sad if I’m feeling sad.
    To make this humorous, they seem to think that my personality is a result of my diet. I’m pescatarian (vegetarian plus seafood) and apparently not eating meat is sacrilege or something.

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    1. “I should be happy because my being sad makes THEM sad” – this is one of the reasons why I wrote this post. This is what can be really infuriating. Sometimes some people just don’t want to be inconvenienced by your emotions. You’re not trying to make them sad, you are feeling sad. We’re entitled to our emotions. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this right now. When I’m around people who make me feel like that, I ignore them and when I have to, I remove myself from their company. I will give you one advice though… when you are feeling better, ready to laugh and make killer jokes, don’t give them your awesome self. “If you don’t like me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
      My cousin brother has been a pescatarian since a young age, he gets a lot of comments like that but that is his dietary preference, so what can he do really? Fish has good healthy protein. But I can’t believe other Bengali’s are complaining about it. I mean… we’re Bengali… we love fish! What’s wrong with it?

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      1. That is very good advice. I will have to implement it.
        The problem with my diet is that I don’t really like seafood. At home, I eat a ton of tilapia and salmon for protein. Since I don’t eat a variety of seafood, in Bangladesh, I’m not eating any seafood because they prefer other types of fish. And these fish are usually entire fishes that are completely fried. So they have heads and eyeballs and they look like dead animals. At home, the fish look like vegetables, if that makes any sense? And here it looks like meat. So I’m not eating much of it and everyone thinks I’m a vegetarian and my vegetarianism is putting me a negative mood because, of course, meat = happiness.

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        1. I recently saw a blog post by New Lune who provided some tips on how to maintain a pescatarian diet and how much crap she’s gotten from a lot of people. It certainly sounds very tough and I’ve seen with my cousin brother how difficult it is because there’s not really a lot of options. :/ I know what you’re talking about, those fish eyeballs are terrifying and I don’t know how they can eat it! 😭

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  9. Wonderfully said Sophski! I feel way too many emotions. Trying to suppress the negative ones is damaging to my mental stability. I won’t put my own health at risk for the sake of others’ contentment.

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    1. I’m so glad that you are prioritising your mental health. ❤️ you need to feel those negative emotions for closure otherwise it literally physically hurts.
      “I won’t put my own health at risk for the sake of others’ contentment.” – so much respect for you!

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